I am now a grandfather.

I am now a grandfather, I have 5 going on 6 grand kids and I can see things happening in what seems like slow motion. I think about my 4 year old grand son and certain things that are going on on that I believe are allowing his mind to miss out on valuable lessons that he will need over the next 70 years of his life. It´s like watching someone baking a cake but you notice that they are forgetting to put in an important ingredient. The frustrating part is that you know he is an innocent child and through no fault of his own, nor is it purposeful or knowing actions by his parent he may suffer in life.

In my own life my effort to correct some flaws within myself started with a jolly rancher. I know that probably sounds weird but it´s true. My addictive behaviour effected my life beyond just using drugs. It was what seemed like small things like if I opened a bag of jolly ranchers I couldn't just eat one. I couldn't even put it in my mouth and enjoy it. Most people suck on a piece of candy, I crunched and chewed it up right away. Then I would eat another one and I wouldn't stop until the whole bag of jolly ranchers where gone. I chew one after another and ate the whole bag in 5 minutes. I could not stop myself. That was my obsessive behaviour pattern in everything I did. When I decided I was going to get sober and failing and playing games was no longer an option, I began my fight with those jolly ranchers. I opened a bag and I took one out and put it in my mouth, I refused to chew it. I sucked on it and I made a pact that I would not eat another jolly rancher for 2 hours. I lined them up on my desk and ate one every 2 hours. The next time I ate one every 4 hours. I don't know how or why but someway or another that small exercise with those pieces of candy gave me power. It was like the magic spell over me was broken. It was like a fog was lifted from my eyes. The psychological hold that this thing had over me loosened. I wasn't cured and the fight wasn't over, but that was the beginning and I have been sober for over 7 years now.

I work hard and it is a daily fight and sometimes it´s harder than others, but I am sober. I am at the point that I love this sober state so much that the thought of my mind being poisoned or altered by anything is both unattractive to me and very scary. When I go to bed at night and I don't have to worry or make plans to be sure that I have something to wake up to. The best word to describe it is freeing. I was addicted to crack, heroin, all opiate pills, cigarettes, not to mention the lifestyle that comes along with it that I also became addicted to. Things like lying, stealing, committing crimes, aggression and violence, I no longer do any of those things ever.

One of the most important things in the world to me is honesty. I found that if you are honest to yourself and to others, most everything good seems to fall in place behind that. I used to lie so much about so many things that I lost sight of my true self and what was real. Being aware and knowing that you don't know who you are is scary. Today I am a man that refuses to lie about anything, even if it hurts me. I'm not suggesting that everything I say is right, but it is true to the best of my knowledge.

I am sure that this is probably long and boring, the point I am trying to get across is that in this moment I am not actively on the merry go round of life, I am in a time out of sorts. In some ways this time out gives me the ability to see and understand things in a way that I may not be able to if I was spinning with you. In some ways it may be an advantage view. So I thought maybe my sharing could be helpful or at the very least different and possibly even interesting. If you are out there and you´re reading anything I ever say, I want you to know that with all my heart it is my one and only intention to help and be of service to you in anyway I possibly can. I am not qualified for much nor do I have any experience in anything, I just want to in some way have a positive effect on the human condition and this is all I have to give , so I will keep giving it freely, honestly, and openly and if ever you find any value in any of it, then that is my dream coming true. Thank you for taking a moment of precious time out of this short life that is a miracle that we for some reason have been blessed with, I hope to have not wasted it.