Answering a question

Thank you for your question 1313.

I was recently asked the following question " do you ever get used to living that way after so long"? I am assuming that question refers to me living in prison, I will do my best to answer it.
The first thought that comes to mind when I hear that question is no, I do not get used to living this way. I look around at all the inmates and I see some playing basket ball, 2 guys playing chess, a group of guys lifting weights and doing pull ups and push ups. Then there are some walking laps around the track telling their stories to one another. Usually each day you see the same guys doing the same things, each with their own patterns and routines , all with the same goal of passing time. I am not a mind reader but it seems like most of these guys are okay with this. They seem comfortable and accepting. Some people just seem like they are straight up having fun. They get to hang out with their friends everyday and they have no real responsibilities or even decisions to make.

I am not judging them or insinuating that they are right or wrong on any level, I am just describing what I see. I am 47 years old and have probably spent 30 or more of those years incarcerated. I have been to juvenile homes, jails, boot camps, prisons, and other institutional programs, you would think that I am have some level of comfortability here? That I am okay with it? That I accept it ? I promise you that None of those things are true.

I am miserable here. I have no patterns or routines that I immerse myself in to everyday. I have no "friends" or groups that I hang out with. I spend 22 hours a day in my cell. The 2 hours that I am allowed out I spend on the phone and on the jaypay machines. The time I am in my cell I mostly spend typing on my tablet, listening to music, reading and watching TV. Most everything I do involves some level of communication with my kids, grand kids, and a beautiful special woman who is my best friend. She is the person who made it possible for me to do this blog from in here.

I hate prison! I hate every single thing about being in here. I am not okay with living this way and with every single part of my heart and soul I want to be out of there. I have an overwhelming need and desire to sit on the bank of a river, to take my grandsons fishing, to play makeover with my granddaughters, to help my sister fix her air conditioner, to go to the churches or rehabilitation centers and find a place where I can be of service to those still suffering in their addictions.

To visit my beautiful friend Tove in Sweden and Finland. To go for walks with my daughters and just talk and laugh with them. There is absolutely nothing about prison that I am used to or okay with, it is just not in me. I dont have it in me to even fake it. I will never stop trying to grow and to be a better human being, I want to be free but more importantly I want to deserve my freedom. I want to be worthy of it.
I hope that I have answered your question? I know no other way to explain it. Thank you for asking and for listening. I will always do my absolute best to answer any question from anyone.