Finding your true self

What makes it so hard to really know and trust someone is that I believe we have an identity crisis that is of massive proportions. I was watching the news earlier and you know how they put like 5 or 6 faces on the screen, usually half with one political view and half with another and then the commutator leaning one way or another depending on the news station? I sat there watching them take one subject, one event that happened and the difference in the way the sides saw it was amazing. They each had what they would call a litany of facts and rational breakdowns of why it was the way they saw it. There was absolutely no chance on earth of one convincing the other that they were right. Because I watch politics closely I could see each side using the talking points that their party was using all over the news stations. The passion and sometimes anger that they argued against each other was real. They were dug in and nothing was going to pull them out. But watching them from a calm emotional state with no deep beliefs or connections to either side but knowing the facts, I knew when something wasn't true. They would argue a lie even stronger than they would argue the truth. I had the feeling that none of these issues were even connected to the core identity of these individuals. They where like hairs that shed from something they got too close to but in any moment if it was in their interested they could wipe them off with out a second thought.

It also occurred to me that they weren´t aware of any of this. They were just caught in the fight and would argue their point, or the points of those they have attached themselves to. We pick up so much from around us that I think we easily lose sight of ourselves. So then when we meet someone and we present all this bullshit that ain't us, the person we meet doesn't truly know us.

If we are never known authentically then how can we ever be sure that we are truly loved for who we are? I really think it´s an epidemic the way we lose ourselves. One side of the political spectrum that was in this debate on the news was actually arguing that some children victims of sexual assault where less important than others. They were so caught up in their talking points that they didn't even realize that this was what their side of the argument amounted to.

It´s so easy to not be ourselves isn't it? One thing I figured out when I decided I wanted to have a positive and valuable role in life was that I wanted to be known. When someone said to me that they loved me or respected me I needed to be confident that they knew exactly who I was. That when they said that they loved me they where knowingly and purposefully speaking about me, not about someone I pretended to be. That was very important to me, otherwise I would just be an imposter. It´s hard to really know someone in this world because I feel like most people are not their authentic selves and I'm not saying that people are lying and purposefully manipulating everyone. I think that we do it unconsciously.

In here everyone around me gives me a certain respect. This isn't because of who I truly am, it´s because of who I pretended and even thought I was for many years in here. I was quick to violence. I was that way in the beginning because I was hurt, scared, and didn't know how to deal with this long prison sentence they gave me. I was emotionally unregulated to the extreme. If I felt someone was disrespecting me in any type of way, I wouldn't argue or threaten or delay my actions In any way, I would just go immediately to violence. Winning or losing never mattered, is was just about action.

Other people saw this in a different way, they didn't see my fear and hurt. Years of this gave me a reputation that even today sticks to me. That person is not and has never been the core of who I am. I am scared of violence. I have no desire to hurt another person or to be hurt myself. I have never liked to fight. I hate confrontation and negativity. A lot of these guys in here think that the way I was is cool and to be respected.

A few weeks ago someone disrespected me pretty bad and I just ignored him and I can't tell you how many people I heard saying things like "man I can't believe you let him get away with that" or they would say " the old Rich would have done something bad to that guy" and on and on I heard statements like that for days. When I told these guys that I am not about violence and I talked peacefully to the guy that disrespected me and we worked it out I was looked at like I was an alien or something. It doesn't matter to me, all I can do is be open and honest about myself and people will judge me however they will, but one thing I can be sure of is that it is the real me that they see.

It took me a long time and a lot of humility to acknowledge my lies and fake personas that I have built over all these years. It was even confusing and sometimes I would actually have panic attacks. It´s scary knowing that you don't know your true self and admitting to yourself that parts of you are fake. But it´s necessary and today I know exactly who I am and what I stand on.

My foundation is solid, my values are unwavering, my morals are rooted in decency and respect for life and all people. I am aware of my many flaws and weaknesses and acknowledge my shortcomings and am dedicated to always grow for the better and am actively working towards that. My greatest desire is to meet like minded people and build relationships to share life with.

Do you have an identity issue? When you tell someone that you love them, is it the real them that you see and love? When someone says that they love you, is it your authentic and complete real self that you have been sharing with that person? Do you relate to any of these thoughts and feelings? Who do you know? Who knows you???? Just a thought . "The strength of your belief is measure by what your willing to sacrifice for it".