I often think back and try to understand or recognize the moments in my life that were significant in helping me find light inside a dark place. I do this because I always want to be thankful for those who helped and blessed me, and also because If I can somehow articulate clearly enough a road map that led me from who I was to the man that I am right in this exact moment as I'm sitting in my cell on my bed typing this, then maybe someone else can learn from that.
I think that one of the most influential people in my life who helped me and whose words continue to move me is my step dad, which is strange because he was also the boogyman of my childhood. From this point on in my writings I will refer to him as my dad rather than my step dad, he was my father in every real way that mattered. All throughout my childhood it was like he was hiding secret nuggets of important information and wisdom that would come out in the moments when I would need them the most in my life. Even as a 47 year old man, and 8 years after his death I am still finding those nuggets. My father has been a big part of my journey, I couldn't be who I am without him. But it is a very difficult thing because he is also responsible for parts of the dark just as he is with the light. I am able to be very thankful and appreciative of him.
Another person who has unknowingly had a positive effect on my life is a man named Steven Emery who worked at a juvenile home that I was in around the age of 13. He taught me to play chess. He was a very strict guy but for some reason years later words that he said to me often come back and have had a positive impact on my life. Thank you Steve!
My brother died in January of 2016 of a drug overdose, my mother passed 8 months later. I was in a maximum security prison at the time and I was in solitary confinement for fighting and possession of a knife. I would spend almost 8 years straight in the hole. This is where I found the very bottom and what I believe was the end of myself. I think back at my time during those few years and it almost doesn't seem real. I was crazy inside that cell for all those years. I used to stare in to what was supposed to be a mirror but really was a steal slab in the wall, but I could see. i would spend hours staring in to my own eyes and screaming and calling myself every bad name under the sun. I hated myself with an intensity that I have no ability to articulate.
Other days I would spend hours walking back and forth singing. I would pretend that I was on stage and everyone in the crowd was someone I knew. I was singing to my mom, my brothers, my sister, my friends, ex girlfriends, they where all there. It almost felt like my singing to them was them forgiving me. They loved me. I felt so important to all of them. There was 2 songs that were mostly my go to songs. One was called "Don't cry" by Guns & Roses and the other was "In a darkened room " by Skid Row. This is really embarrassing shit to admit just so you know:-) Also, I am a horrible singer In real life and guys in the cells around me used to be mad as hell at me.
Other days, or sometimes even in the same day, when the silence got too loud and I couldn't escape myself no matter what I did, I would work out. I would work out so hard and excessively and wouldn't stop until I physically collapsed. One day i just found the very bottom. I was at the end of myself and I couldn't live there anymore. I couldn't stand one more minute existing so I reached out, I didn't understand in the moment what I was reaching for, maybe I thought it was death? I never could have imagined that I would find what I found, a brand new beginning. Not necessarily a sleight wiped clean, but new chalk and an eraser, the tools to re write it all.
I just came to the conclusion that I didn't want to be angry and miserable anymore. I have no good story like an angle coming down or god coming to me in a dream or anything like that, I just couldn't go one more second being who I was. If I had to give one person credit for my ability to want to change, and for possessing whatever it was needed to do it, I would have to say it was my beautiful loving amazing mother. I understand that listening to my life's story and my childhood would give you a lot of reasons to question how great my mother really was. My love for her doesn't blind me to the mistakes and bad decisions she made, I am painfully aware of all of them. She was an addict. She didn't always tell the truth. Her decisions caused us to have to live in tents and garages. She stayed with my father when he was a monster when he drank alcohol. I didn't have nice clothes, we didn't get presents on Christmas or birthdays all the time.
Even after all that I can look you in the eyes and truthfully and confidently tell you that a day never went by that my mom didn't hug me and tell me she loved me. I can not remember one single time ever questioning if my mother loved me or not. Everything I know about love I learned from the way my mom loved me. She loved me with her whole heart and soul. She loved me unconditionally. I believe even in my darkest and most hateful moments of life it was that love that kept me alive. It was that love that whispered to me even when I was so lost I couldn't recognize myself. It was that love that would never allow me to accept the man I was or the things I was doing. There was always my moms loving living somewhere inside of me, giving me one last string to hold on to and never letting me fall completely. It was the way my mom loved me that is the reason I am able to love those that I love so fully and completely today. Thank you mom! I will always do my very best to make you proud and love the world the way you loved me. That love is the closest thing to god I know. And finally my best friend Tove, you have strengthened, deepened and reaffirmed love on another level for me. Thank you!!!
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