I have always seen people through a "us and them" lens. There was me, and people like me. Then there was the "normal people". It wasn't like I saw one group as the enemy of the other, it was more like the normal people were living the right way and I was not. I was only comfortable around those like me. I was very nervous when I had to communicate with the other side. Anyone in a professional position, anyone working in a store or business, the family sitting in a restaurant having dinner, they were the good people.
I assumed they looked at me like I was trash. I assumed this even though they had no idea who I was or what I did. The problem was that I knew who I was and I knew what I did and I knew it wasn't right. Looking back I realize the way I believed everyone saw me was really just the way I saw myself. I would have never admitted it but I would have given almost anything to be a part of what I perceived was a good normal family sharing a dinner at a nice restaurant. Of course I didn´t know anything real about them, they might have left the restaurant and got home and the dad beat the mom because he thought she was looking at men while they were eating. He could have been a jealous psycho, but I wanted them to be like the perfect family I would watch on TV when I was a kid. Shows like "Family Ties" or "Growing Pains".
I hated who I was and I hated the group I belonged to. I never ever thought it possible for even one second that I could be a part of the normal peoples group so I judged them for judging me. I convinced myself that they thought they were better than me. That they looked down their nose at me. I labeled them as rich snobs. I blamed them for everything. This made it easier for me to steal from them. They can afford more so what's the harm?
I think about all the crimes I committed against these people and I how I was so delusional in my beliefs that I didn't even feel guilty at the time. I had an aunt who I thought was basically the poster child for a rich snob who thought they were better. It was my moms sister. My mom had 12 siblings so I had a lot of cousins but we never really spent time with any of them. Out of all of them my mom was the only one with an addiction. She was the "poor" sister. All her brothers and sisters were somewhat successful. The aunt that lived closest to us had a beautiful home in the woods and had 2 boys who were the only of all my cousins that I had any relationship with.
At times we would live in tents on their property and in their garage in the winter. There was me, my mom, my dad, 2 brothers and my sister. So there was 6 of us. We would use those cheap blow up rafts from the dollar store for beds. My aunt and uncle didn´t like me and my siblings to be up at their main house and certainly not inside their home. They had a couple of guest houses that were separate structures from the main house and I couldn't understand why we couldn't live in those instead of the tents. It made me hate them.
They had 4 wheelers and when my aunt wasn't home my cousins would take us for rides but we was never allowed to drive them. I remember one day my cousin let me come in the house when his mom was at work and they had a satellite dish and I picked the remote up to turn the channel and my cousin took it from me and said "don't touch our stuff, my mom said you break everything you get, as if you ever get anything". I know that sounds crazy but I swear that's exactly how I remember it. I am open to the possibility that over the years I may have unknowingly exaggerated and remember it worse than what it really is, but this is how I remember it. I only think I could have exaggerated it because it´s such a ridiculous thing to say, but this is who they were.
I'm not telling you this in an attempt to get you on my side or to minimize my actions, no one ever deserved for me to break in to their homes and steal from them. I may have not liked them but I can't take away the fact that my aunt and uncle worked really hard for everything they had. They began by building a tiny cabin with an outhouse and ended with one of the most beautiful homes you have ever seen. They just kept building on year after year. My uncle did all the work himself. I broke into their home and stole so much stuff. This was about 30 years ago, but about 5 years ago I sent a letter to them admitting it was me and telling them how sorry I am, and I meant it.
I tell this story to try to give an idea of what I mean by my "us and them" attitude. It´s another reason why I started this blog and why I got on websites like "Write a Prisoner.com". I sincerely want to open my world up to everything and everyone I have always separated myself from. I judged everyone while at the same time accusing them of judging me. I closed myself off from so many opportunities and possibilities and then felt bitter for having no opportunities or possibilities. Doesn't make much sense does it? I have a bad habit of making peoples decisions for them. I made the decision that you won't like me. That you will judge me and look down at me. I decided that we had nothing in common without knowing anything about you. Turns out I am not a very good decision maker and I can't read minds :-)
I guess I'm asking society if maybe we can start over???? I am nowhere near perfect and I have a lot of growing and learning to do, but I can promise you that I have a true and sincere desire to grow and learn and that I am actively doing so. I have no more judgements about you and am 100% open and capable of seeing and accepting you for exactly who you are. I am no longer a part of the us and them groups, I am in the human group......
Add comment
Comments