I wonder how far back is normal to remember of your childhood? I feel like I don't remember as much as I should? I have specific memories of certain moments when I was young but I can't put together the ages I was in those memories and it´s always just fragments. It´s almost like I started existing around the age 10 or 11except for those flashes in my mind of memories that have little context to them. It´s almost like I am remembering a dream that I once had many years ago but now I'm not sure if it really was a dream or maybe it really happened? But deep down I know that it was real. I'm not talking about all dramatic or traumatic memories, some of them are just simple things like I have this memory of sitting in the dirt with some of those small matchbox cars? I was making roads and little towns with them. I don't remember where I lived or how old I was or if anyone else was around, but I can see it so clearly in my memory. I can even feel how I felt in that moment, I would have liked to spend eternity in that right there.
I have another memory like that where I was hiding behind a tree. My mom was yelling "Richard, you can come out, your not in any trouble I promise. Your dad said he's not going to spank you". That's all I remember. I told my brother about it and he remembered a time where we all got in trouble for something, he didn't know what, but him and my brother Mike got spanked and I was next so I took off running in to the woods. He said my mom went out there and told me that I wasn't going to get spanked so I came out and when she brought me back my dad broke the paddle on me:-) We laughed really hard when he told me about it but I don't remember none of those details around it. I only remembered hiding and my mom saying I wasn't in trouble. I don't remember where we lived or how old I was. It just makes me wonder, I hear stories about people blocking out bad stuff that happened to them and I wonder if I have something like that? I remember plenty of horrible stuff later on but for some reason I just don't remember being a little kid.
What age do you remember back to? How much do you remember? From the age of like 11 years old and on I remember everything. I even remember phone numbers. I remember everything in so much detail. I get a lot of the timelines wrong but I remember the experiences. It´s just something I have been thinking about. It´s not a real big deal, I am who I am today no matter what, I just sometimes feel like there may be pieces of the puzzle missing, you know what I mean? We only get one life and it is relatively short, definitely too short to be missing parts:-) Maybe it´s all normal and no one really remembers their first few years of life?
I asked a few guys in here but I'm not exaggerating when I say that it´s next to impossible to get a honest answer about anything in here. I am not judging either, it´s just what it is. One guy told me that he remembers his mother singing to him when he was in her womb. Maybe I am just negative and distrusting in general but I am 100% dug in on the opinion that he is lying. Another guy told me that he can remember every moment of his first birthday and everyone that was there at the party his mom threw him. His memories are not from pictures or videos or stories he was later told, he said he specifically remembers every moment. I don´t believe him. I promise I am not judging or making fun of anyone. With all my heart I understand that they are desperate to feel unique, special in some way, to stand out as superior in some fashion, I honestly get it. I feel for these men and I understand them. It just means they have so much room and opportunity to grow. So as you can imagine it is really hard to find honest dialogue in here and that's why I am so grateful for this blog and appreciative for every time someone takes a moment from their lives to answer one of my questions. It is of great value to me sincerely!!
To be clear there are a lot of good people in prison! People who could get out today and give a lot of positive and meaningful blessings and services to society. There are unfortunately many who are not ready or don't want to grow or evolve from what got them here. I honestly find it difficult to find people in here who are on the same path as I am. Again, I don't think that I am better than anyone, I am just on my own path. It is a lonely place in here for a person who is trying to live their life in complete honesty with empathy and compassion and a desire to serve others. This is really the last place for that because those things are seen as weakness and are preyed on. I however spent so many years filled with violence and hate that even now as I represent only love and peace I am shown respect. I am very fortunate to be honest. I guess most people look at me and assume that I am still capable of bad things so they leave me be for the most part.
For the record, I am no longer capable of any of those things that I once was. It is such a strange thing, I did all of those horrible things yet I can't begin to imagine that I have that in me. I am so fully and thorou´sghly transformed and I can't begin to articulate how thankful and grateful I am to have become who I am. It really overwhelming! I wish so much that there was a way to show those who helped me and continue to help me how much I love and cherish them. I can't even begin to believe that I get to have these people in my life! that these people love me!
I know you guys probably get sick of hearing me go on and on about this same stuff but I can't help it. I can't believe what is happening to me! I am the luckiest man on this planet!! The biggest miracle of all is that I have been given a real live angel! I have never known a more beautiful person in my life! I have never even imagined that such a perfect human being could exist. Okay, I am done rambling for today, sorry:-)
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