Even after all these years in here, some days it just hits me different. I find myself observing a lot, watching how people move. It feels almost like if you took all of society and shrunk it and then put it in a box. The ecosystem here is so primitive yet there are shades of humanity and at least the illusion of what feels like a societal framework. There is your religious groups, your gangbanger groups, your businessmen, you have the supply and demand of needs and wants, you have friendships and enemies. It´s like looking at society through a telescope and hitting the zoom button. The difference is that in here you have no option but to live in the middle of all of it. There is no relocating or choosing what part of society you will live amongst. In here you will live in the middle of all of it and learn to maneuver and adapt. It is very difficult. There are so many personalities in such close proximity to one another and a lot of the times those personalities are not of a positive nature. We are in prison for a reason and usually it isn't the positive and good natured who get sent to here. We are by far not all bad people but the majority do seem to at the very least have some emotional and psychological issues that show themselves in ways that are not always good.
It wouldn't be a shocking thing for me to walk to yard and accidentally bump in to someone and their response be to assault me even though I said excuse me. Maybe they just got off the phone and had an argument with their wife. Maybe they just learned that a loved one passed away or their wives said they wanted a divorce. Maybe they just felt like me bumping in to them was an attempt to "punk" them and their egos convinced them that they needed to "show" me that I better never bump In to them again. This is a scenario that actually happens often, or something similar.
I was walking to the phone the other day and when I was about 10 feet from it a guy walked buy and picked it up. My instinct was to automatically assume that he saw me going for it and cut me on purpose. My ego kicked in and was on the verge of making an attempt to convince me that I need to walk over there and snatch the phone from him and make clear that no one can cut me. A couple of years ago that is exactly what I would have done. But I am not that guy anymore. I am not even close to being him. The reality is that he didn't see me going for the phone and there was no conspiracy to steal the phone from me, he just wanted to call his family the same as I wanted to call mine. So I just asked him to put me next after he was done. Unfortunately there is a very large group of people in here who will react the way I said I once would have reacted. There are so many people in here who are like walking time bombs. People who become emotionally unregulated at the smallest of things. Again, I was once like that. I have learned that the way to successfully get through the day without stepping on any landmines is to be aware. Be aware of yourself and of everything going on around you. It´s almost like driving, you steer your own car but drive the ones around you. I think that is a saying?
What it comes down to for most people in here is that they put all their efforts in to making sure they have the hygiene they need and something to eat at night. The food is disgusting in here and you would be surprised at the effort and time that is put in to simply having something to eat at night. Many guys have burned most of their bridges before they came to prison and don't have many people looking out for them. Some are lucky to have family to support them. I think most people would be surprised at how hard it is to get by in prison. Most people just think that we get 3 meals a day and a place to sleep so there shouldn't be much to worry about. I'm not lobbying for pity for inmates, I'm just saying it is far from being that simple if you believe in even the slightest amount of humanity.
I just spent 3 days stressed out and struggling to get a toothpaste, and I have some out there who love me and bless me. It took me to offer to give someone 2 toothpastes back later to get one now. That is what people understand in here, profit. It gets very frustrating, sometimes it seems that money is all that matters in here. Some guys would sell there souls for a noodle. I was never like that, not even in my pre-transformative days. I just never put much value on material things or on money. All money meant to me was the ability to buy more drugs. Of course now I am much more appreciative of the things I have , mostly because I worked hard for it or some who love me have blessed me. If I had a full toothpaste and you had none I would give you half of mine no matter who you were and I would never look to be paid back. That's who I am and it´s hard in here sometimes. You can give someone in here something out of the kindness of your heart and in their minds they think they tricked you or got over on you, it´s very strange.
I learned that I had to make decisions based on my values and not take in to consideration the intentions or viewpoints of the person I am blessing. It isn't easy but I remain true to who I am. I guess my motives for writing this today is that I woke up feeling overwhelmed and probably even burned out. It gets hard and sometimes I wish I could just let loose and be more carefree instead of having to be on point and aware every second of the day about everything, you know what I mean? Sometimes I even get jealous of these guys who run around laughing and not having a care in the world other than how many soups and chips they can get today. Of course I don't want to be that kind of person, I just don't understand their acceptance of this life. Their acceptance in remaining to be the same as what got them here. Their care free laughter sounds real and I don't understand?
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