I have this Dilemma within myself that drives me crazy. I am always working to somehow or some way get my sentence reduced. I currently have a motion in the court that i just sent yesterday. I have been through so many appeals over the last 15 years and have repeatedly been denied. The strange thing is that I feel like a fraud when I put these motions and appeals in. I committed these crimes 100%. I am doing almost 30 years on my minimum. I have to do all of that before I can have any chance at getting out. I went to a house one morning, I was with my ex brother in law who had also been my best friend since I was like 14 years old. At this time when we went to this house to break in to it I was 32 years of age. It was early in the morning and we pulled in to the drive way, I got out and went up to knock on the door. I knocked real loud and no one answered. I went around the house and knocked on the back door and got the same result. I looked in a few windows and saw no one. My goal was to make absolutely sure that no one was home before I went in. Once I was sure no one was home I signaled to Nick who was still in the van, he was driving. He got out and we went up to the front door and I kicked it open. You should know that I had just relapsed 3 days prior and had spent the last 2 days inside a crack house in Detroit. I had not been to sleep in days.
So we went in to the house and stole a shot gun, some jewelry, some cash, and a brand new pair of boots. We were in there for about 3 minutes. We pulled out of the drive way and didn't make it a half of a mile when a police car came speeding behind us and hit their lights. My brother in laws instinct was to hit the gas and try to get away. I immediately rejected that idea and made him pull over. I have a horrible fear of getting in to a bad car accident as I have been in several.
From there it is self explanatory, I went to jail and ended up with this time. I was given almost 30 years because I was a 4th habitual offender. I had been stealing for many years to support my addictions and have be arrested several times. I want to make it very clear that I understand the seriousness of my crimes and the psychological and emotional effects that it must have had on the people who lived there. I actually know how they felt because some of them testified in court and also wrote victim impact statements. I broke these peoples sense of security and comfort in their own homes. One women had to go to therapy. Sometimes I lay here with my eyes closed and imagine myself with a wife and 2 young kids ages 6 and 8. I imagine pulling in to my driveway after having gone out for a family dinner with my wife and kids. We pull up to the house, my youngest is sleeping so I carefully get him out of the back seat so I can carry him in and put him to bed. My wife is ahead of me with our oldest son, he runs up to the door and all the sudden he starts yelling. Then my wife starts screaming and finally I see why. The door is wide open and there is glass from the door window everywhere on the ground. I tell my wife to go back to the car with the kids and then I call the police. We wait outside for them, the kids are crying and tired and we can't go in to our own home. I think about the moment of that experience. I wonder for how many years after that will that family suffer with anxious nervous fear every single time they come home. How long before they can pull up to their own home and not remember what happened and worry that it could happen again. I sincerely and truly try my hardest to understand and I deeply regret and am sorry for what I did! Not because I'm in prison but because of what I did to that family. Because of me they suffer everything I described above. I am sorry!
Having explained all that, here is my problem: every time I appeal or seek to somehow get my sentenced lowered I worry that it is like a "smack in the face" to those i hurt? I worry that it makes my apologies less sincere. I see guys in here for second degree murder who got a 15 year minimums? One guy broke in to a house and beat and tied the owner up and robbed him. He has a 4th habitual as I do and he got 12 years, thats less than half of what I got and no one was home when I did it. I think about these things and I feel guilty for how I feel. It seems like I am minimizing things? Yet I can't help it. I have never met anyone who has been given anywhere close to the time I was given for this crime. I drive myself crazy with these dwelling thoughts and feelings. I have worked hard over the last 15 years to become a better person. To become a man that I am proud of and who will add something positive to society when I get out. With all my heart all I want to do is to serve wherever I can to help those with this disease of addiction and the young people who are going through a lot of what I went through when I was growing up. I feel like I have a gift to give that will help and be a blessing on others. I have a deep and authentic passion to serve. I feel like I have a voice that can break through. I have no selfish desires. I don't fantasize about money, sex, drugs, materials, or anything else that is of my old self. My heart is new and it´s strong and only wants to give. There is a saying in recovery that "we can only keep what we have by giving it all away", that has never been more true.
So this is my inner conflict. Am I selfish or not sincere about my remorse if I am trying to get time off of my sentence? Is something wrong with me for feeling like 30 years is unreasonable and cruel for my crime and all the circumstances around it? Am I minimizing and not taking responsibility the right way? I don't use addiction as an excuse for committing crimes, it is only an explanation for the motivating factors behind what I did. As a grown man I am 100% responsible and I accept that. I am just twisted up inside with these opposing feelings.
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