I do need you!

I just wanted to write a short message to D and others who have responded to my blog and my specific questions. I sincerely appreciate you taking the time for that, the information has been very helpful and stimulating.

I will be honest, I felt like a weirdo writing these things and especially asking questions and then sending it out into the unknown in hopes that someone out of the 8 billion people on this planet would see it and take interest. It seemed highly unlikely, but yet you did and I am thankful. My only window in to the "free world" is through the eyes and minds of you out there, and I will admit that I am pretty desperate to see as much and as often as possible. My only other real option is to look right in front of me and I assure you that the decor is not very attractive:-)

I was walking laps outside this morning and I was consciously trying to be in the moment, to feel everything around me. I was looking at the facial expressions of those walking by, the guy on the bench press machine, the 2 guys taking turns shooting the basket ball, the group at the table playing poker. I was observing all of this at once while listening to the tones of the conversations. The laughter in some of them, the aggressive anger in others, I got really overwhelmed in the moment. It was like everything zoomed in on me and was smothering my brain. I had a urgent sense that something horrible was wrong or going to happen to me. I have had a lot of panic attacks before and every one feels the worst and scariest, but this one was different somehow. I didn't run from it or do my usual breathing techniques to get through it, instead I for some strange reason decided to embrace it. Challenge it to "kill" me or whatever its intended purpose was. I just accepted it. I don't know where I got this idea or why I did it, I just did. Right when I consciously did that, it all went away. It passed and I was standing there on the prison yard with all these people around me going about their day, each with their own set of circumstances, and I just felt very small and insignificant. Even on this small prison yard I felt like the world was too big.

Out of all the people, places, circumstances, past present and future, I am important to someone. The relationships in my life are miracles. Someone chooses me. I hope that somehow I don't fall miserably short in showing the depth of my appreciation. It´s frustrating because I don't really know how or have many options available to me to articulate and make felt my appreciation and how much I value those in my life who share themselves with me on any level. Even you D, who took time that you will never get back and used it to bless my life with your response and encouragement. Also, thank you for the info about how to get my blog out there to more people. I had never even heard of a blog before my very special friend Tove told me about it and has taken the time to help me do this. She even thinks of most of the titles to what I write. She is a very special and intelligent woman who knows my soul better than anyone on this earth, it´s because of her that I know and understand love the way I do.

My purpose of this today was to just tell those who have read and especially those who have responded that I appreciate you with all my heart and hope to continue to share myself with you with the hope that I might bring to your day something of substance, something uplifting, something positive, maybe even just a smile. It´s my hope that somewhere in my ramblings there might be something that connects my spirit to yours, even for a brief moment. Or maybe there is one thing that I say that triggers a thought or feeling in you that is helpful.

I don't want to pretend to be so selfless here though, I also have some selfish intentions here, I am a very flawed person who has made a lot of bad decisions. I have dug myself a very deep hole that I have been working hard for many years to get out of and I openly and sincerely seek help. I need help in being a better human being. I need help in connecting to people. I need help seeing myself and life from different healthy and honest perspectives. I need family, I need friends. I know what it is to be lost in solitary. To be stubborn and selfish, to be alone. It´s very hard and embarrassing for me to say and admit these truths. My ego wants to say that I don't need anyone, that I am tough and been standing on my own my whole life and I don't need no help or pity. But all that's garbage, I do need you!