Can someone lose their ability to hope and still live?

It occurred to me recently that I use the word HOPE a lot. When I use it I mean it. It´s when I have this feeling in my chest, like an overwhelming need or desire of wanting something to happen or just to be true. The more I think about hope and what it actually means, the more powerful and significant of a thing it seems. Doesn't the simple task of waking up in the morning and choosing to live throughout the day require hope? No matter how much I lose or how bad things are, there is always this thing inside me that looks towards the future with some form of ???, the only possible word that fits at the end of that sentence is hope isn't it? Why else would I continue on?

As humans, and I would suggest that this applies to every living thing, we have an innate instinct and desire to survive. I wonder if hope is just as instinctual? Is it a part of our survival mechanism? Can someone lose their ability to hope and still live? I am of the belief that they can not. I have never seen myself as a victim nor have I been receptive to pity. I have always piled on to whatever bad thing that was happening to me as a result of something bad that I had done. What I mean by that is that I was aware and accepting of the fact that i deserved it. I never had the attitude that everyone was against me and that life was screwing me over. At no point in my life would you have ever heard the words "man, everything bad happens to me for no reason and it´s not fair" come out of my mouth. Taking responsibility for my decisions and everything that I have suffered as a result of them has never been a problem for me. Changing my actions to get better responses in life is what my problem was. I have caused myself horrible loss, pain, and suffering in this life, but somehow for some reason there was always that small thing existing somewhere inside my self that I can only describe as hope.

Around 2012 or 2013 i really messed up. I had been using drugs since I came back to prison in 2010. I had convinced myself that because I had been given so many years in prison this time that I was free to do anything I wanted and had nothing to lose. I had this feeling of freedom to act out any way I wanted and the consequences couldn't hurt me. I ended up assaulting some officers and they sent me to a level 5 maximum security prison. On top of being in that prison I was also in the hole for the next few years. The only time I left my cell was to take a shower on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. I was handcuffed behind my back and escorted to the shower by 2 officers and given 10 minutes to shower and then taken back to my cell. I could be taken out and put in what we call the "dog kennels" for one hour each morning but I never went. It was exactly how it sounds, a small dog cage. You could not use the phone, the only contact with others was if you yelled real loud under your door to prisoners in other cells, I never did that. You couldn't have a TV, radio or anything else. You could get 2 books a week delivered from the library.

In 2016 I lost my brother Mike in January, then my mom in September. I then lost my dad in December. They were all drug related deaths. 2016 really sucked. As you can imagine being in solitary confinement and then losing most of my family had me in a bad way. My daughters and my son where all addicted to heroin and crack during this period. I have no words to explain my state of mind and emotions during all this. I can just say it was horrible!!!

My point In telling you these things is that I still somehow had hope. In 2017 I was sent to a prison psych hospital and was able to use that as a stepping stone to get out of max and out of solitary. I was sent to level 4 and after awhile I got into a fight and ended up back in the hole. I can't tell you exactly why or what specifically happened, I can just tell you it was then that I decided I was done. I was done using drugs. I was done fighting. I was done lying. I was done being miserable and angry. I was done being confused. I was done living a purposeless life. I was done being a horrible father. I was done being stuck inside myself all alone.

The first 2 things I decided I needed to do was to ask for help and to never lie again. Never lie to myself or to anyone else. That is the foundation on which I started building who I am today on. I have been sober ever since. I am sure I have lied both to myself and to others at some point since then but I continue to grow in my honesty and sincerely can't remember the last lie I told. I still have 12 more years left if I am not somehow able to get my sentence shortened and I will be honest, I am devastated by it. I can't begin to imagine how I'm going to do another 12 years but I look inside myself and somehow there it is, HOPE! A feeling of anxious possibilities for tomorrow. It is always there. No matter how many losses, how much pain, no matter how many reasons there are to not have hope, it remains! I used to think of hope as like a positive emotion or outlook, but its much deeper than that. Hope is a gift of strength that endures as long as we are breathing. Hope is real and if you feed it, it will grow! If for some reason you find yourself reading this, it is my hope that you smile and laugh at least once today, you deserve it..........