About panic attacks

I have been thinking a lot about panic attacks. The truth is that I have been having a lot of them. In a recent response from D I was asked to write about this. I will tell you up front that I have no idea why I have panic attacks, I only know that they suck and are really scary. I stopped having them for a long time and just a few weeks ago they came back with a vengeance. Nothing significant changed in my life around this period in time. I have no new problems. It is really the opposite, I feel more blessed than I have in a long time. This blog has changed my life for the better. I have been holding my thoughts and feelings inside of myself almost all of my life and having a place to go and share them, and even get responses from people who care, it has opened my world up in a way I never thought was possible.

I am also blessed to have a best friend who I love with all my heart. Someone I completely trust! Someone who I know sees me and loves me and trusts me. I have this rare and special thing in my life that I value and appreciate and I know will last a lifetime. I never could have imagined in a million years that I would have this in my life!!

Of course everything isn't perfect, I am still incarcerated. I still have deep worries for my daughters. I have many issues but these are not new things, so I don't know where this new wave of panic attacks have come from. The best way to explain it is that a few days ago I woke up and there was like this cloud over me. There was something "heavy" on my chest and something foggy in my brain. It felt foreign and alien. I know I probably sound weird, it´s just hard to explain. Throughout the day I don't feel good. I will be standing or sitting and everything will feel like it´s all coming at me at once. I will get this intense feeling in my brain that something bad is going to happen. It´s almost like reality is shifting and it is unbelievably frightening. Man I get scared to death. Even though I know I am having panic attacks and that it´s probably not real it still is just as scary as if it was.

It´s so strange and powerful the things our minds can go through. I had a bad acid trip when I was 13 years old. I had taken acid a lot and it was always fun. This day something else happened. I won't write all the details but the main part of it was that I made it home, my mom was the only one there. I went back to my bedroom, I remember feeling like my brain was going to seize up or something. I felt like I was fighting to keep my brain from crossing some line, that if I couldn't stop it then something bad was going to happen inside my mind. I kept looking in the mirror trying to make sure I was okay. Finally I couldn't take it so I called my mom back to my room and told her what was happening. I was crying and she was hugging me. She talked to me for hours until I came down.

When I have panic attacks it feels like I felt during that bad trip, like something bad is going to happen inside my brain. It is really scary and it´s horrible. I have been successful in fighting them off, I have even surprised myself with the way I have controlled it sometimes, like i explained in a past blog where I was standing on the yard and an attack hit me out of nowhere. It still sucks though. Today I woke up and that foreign and alien feeling was gone. I feel much clearer and lighter.

Does anyone that's reading this have any experiences similar to what I'm talking about? If you do I would really be interested in hearing about it. If you don't feel comfortable putting it where everyone can see it you are welcome to contact me personally by going to jaypay.com and my name is Richard Livingston and my prison number is 267419. If you have any experiences with what I am speaking about, if you have any insights regarding it I would be very interested and thankful to hear anything you have to say.

I would also like to tell D that I heard what you were saying in your last post to me when you mentioned that you were going through some things in your life right now, I want you to know that if you ever want to talk about it or share anything, I would be honored to listen to you, and if there is anything I could do to help I would! I don't know you, I don't even know what gender you are, but I do know that you are human being and that is enough. I can't begin to express how much your comments and the comments of anyone who had taken even one second to listen and care about anything I have had to say has meant to me and has helped me. If I could give that back in any way possible it would do my soul a great and sincere honor and service.