The most frustrating part of prison is when you have done all the work. When you have sincerely chosen to change and to be a better person and then actually did it, but still you have more debt to pay. Still you remain in a box. I have sincerely with all my heart and everything good in me become a better man. I have put so much work in and I was consistent, authentic and relentless and somewhere along the way I succeeded. That doesn't mean that I am done, I will always continue to grow and to be better, that mission is never finished. I wake up every morning and look in to the metal thing on my wall that is supposed to be a mirror and I love myself. I cant begin to know how to express to you what a miracle that is. I am so grateful and thankful, I literally feel overwhelmed even in this exact moment with real hope! But then I remember how I still have 12 years left and that's what's frustrating, I am so prepared and excited and I can see my path so clear in front of me yet I can't move forward. I feel stuck at the starting line! I still owe a debt that requires more of me, a debt that can not be fulfilled with any amount of work. It doesn't acknowledge anything other than time. Time is the only currency that it accepts.
There is no amount of work, change, sincerity, growth or anything else that can substitute it. So I try to stay focused and not allow the inpatience or frustration to affect my attitude or have any adverse effects on me. It can be so easy to become angry and bitter in here.
I remember June of 1998, over 27 years ago I had just come to prison and I was in a cube with 5 other inmates. One of those inmates was an old guy, probably in his late 60s, he was so bitter and angry all the time about anything and everything. All he did was complain and start arguments with everyone. I had never seen anyone more miserable in my life. It´s strange but i can remember it like it was yesterday. I remember laying in my bunk listening to him complain and making a promise to myself that I was never going to become him. That I would never be the old angry prisoner. I never forgot that for some reason. I have always made sure no matter what that I didn't forget to laugh as much as possible. it gets really hard sometimes.
I do continue to try and get my time cut any way I possibly can but there isn't many options. Michigan is one of only two states in America that doesn't have "good time" or any incentives or ways to earn days off of your sentence. I can only work to get re sentenced or to get a commutation of some kind. I don't want to sound like I'm trying to somehow get out of paying the full price for my crimes, I am guilty and accept full responsibility for everything I have ever done wrong. I broke in to peoples homes and stole their property and that is a horrible thing to do and I am truly sorry, ashamed, and embarrassed by my behaviour. No one deserves that to happen to them and I never want to sound like I am making excuses or minimizing what I did. It´s hard to express myself and my feelings of wanting to get out so bad without worrying about coming off that way. But I also know that I am not that person anymore.
I also know that I would never have done what I did had I not been using drugs. Please hear me when I say that that is no excuse, it is only context. It doesn't make me any less guilty of what I did. It is why I have put so much in to my sobriety and why I put that first in my life each and every day. I have been sober for over 6 years and my sobriety and maintaining it is everything to me! It´s also important for me to express the fact that I would not be so excited and hopeful about the future and getting out of here if I was not absolutely certain that I have completely changed and have done all the work to become a better human being and that I have so much good to give in service to others. That's all I want more than anything else in life, to give back in anyway and every way I know how.
I am very sure that my heart and mind are in a position to help those going through addiction and all the destruction that comes with it. I have a love and passion along with an understanding and knowledge of this subject that I know will help people. I do not fantasize about getting out and getting high, getting rich, or obtaining as much material stuff I can. I only want to enjoy the healthy and beautiful relationships with my family, friends, my kids and to be of service anyway I can. I am at the peek of my very best self and I just want to give it all away.
But as I said, this debt must be paid and time is the only currency that is accepted. I have a question for anyone reading this and please give me your honest opinions. I was given 26 years for breaking in to a home. I stole a hunting shotgun and some jewelry. Keep in mind that I have been in a lot of trouble prior to this. I have never had violent crimes and I have never physically hurt anyone but I have stolen a lot of stuff and broken in to a lot of homes. My motivation to all my crimes was to get money for drugs. It started when I was 12 years old. I was given 26 years and my question is does the 26 years in prison I was given seem fair, not enough, or excessive to you? Your honest answer would be really appreciated. I am obviously biased so an honest unbiased view point from people in society would help me a lot.
One other question I would be curious to know is how do you feel about "good time" ? Do you think a person should be sentenced to a term of years and serve that exact term or should there be the possibility of earning days off through good behaviour or successfully completing educational and self help programs like violence prevention and substance abuse treatment? Thank you for reading and I hope to hear from you. I would truly value your opinions.
"Be you, everyone else is taken" :-)
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