Life from inside a box

I find it really hard to like or respect men. I will be completely honest, sometimes I feel like I very much dislike them with a passion that I worry borders on hate. My daughter recently had a domestic violence situation and it reinforced a lot of that. Before I continue in what I want to try and say I need to make some confessions, otherwise I would feel like a hypocrite. I was once a horrible man when it came to how I treated women. I have committed all the typical sins that men commit. I have lied, cheated and mistreated women in so many ways. I have hurt women that loved me all the way to their souls I think.

I am not a Democrat nor am I a Republican. I am not even an independent. I am just who I am and I live by the truth regardless of what side of society it happens to be politically advantageous for. Of course I am human, I have my own biases but that doesn't make me see everything through that lens. I see each political side basically tying themselves in to pretzels trying to rationalize and justify the unjustifiable. I am embarrassed at the lack of personal courage and backbone of my government.

The most frustrating part of prison is when you have done all the work. When you have sincerely chosen to change and to be a better person and then actually did it, but still you have more debt to pay. Still you remain in a box. I have sincerely with all my heart and everything good in me become a better man. I have put so much work in and I was consistent, authentic and relentless and somewhere along the way I succeeded. That doesn't mean that I am done, I will always continue to grow and to be better, that mission is never finished. I wake up every morning and look in to the metal thing on my wall that is supposed to be a mirror and I love myself. I cant begin to know how to express to you what a miracle that is. I am so grateful and thankful, I literally feel overwhelmed even in this exact moment with real hope! But then I remember how I still have 12 years left and that's what's frustrating, I am so prepared and excited and I can see my path so clear in front of me yet I can't move forward. I feel stuck at the starting line! I still owe a debt that requires more of me, a debt that can not be fulfilled with any amount of work. It doesn't acknowledge anything other than time. Time is the only currency that it accepts.

I have been thinking a lot about panic attacks. The truth is that I have been having a lot of them. In a recent response from D I was asked to write about this. I will tell you up front that I have no idea why I have panic attacks, I only know that they suck and are really scary. I stopped having them for a long time and just a few weeks ago they came back with a vengeance. Nothing significant changed in my life around this period in time. I have no new problems. It is really the opposite, I feel more blessed than I have in a long time. This blog has changed my life for the better. I have been holding my thoughts and feelings inside of myself almost all of my life and having a place to go and share them, and even get responses from people who care, it has opened my world up in a way I never thought was possible.

It occurred to me recently that I use the word HOPE a lot. When I use it I mean it. It´s when I have this feeling in my chest, like an overwhelming need or desire of wanting something to happen or just to be true. The more I think about hope and what it actually means, the more powerful and significant of a thing it seems. Doesn't the simple task of waking up in the morning and choosing to live throughout the day require hope? No matter how much I lose or how bad things are, there is always this thing inside me that looks towards the future with some form of ???, the only possible word that fits at the end of that sentence is hope isn't it? Why else would I continue on?

I just wanted to write a short message to D and others who have responded to my blog and my specific questions. I sincerely appreciate you taking the time for that, the information has been very helpful and stimulating.

Now you can also follow me on Substack, link below!

Are things really that political out there?

I have always seen people through a "us and them" lens. There was me, and people like me. Then there was the "normal people". It wasn't like I saw one group as the enemy of the other, it was more like the normal people were living the right way and I was not. I was only comfortable around those like me. I was very nervous when I had to communicate with the other side. Anyone in a professional position, anyone working in a store or business, the family sitting in a restaurant having dinner, they were the good people.

What makes it so hard to really know and trust someone is that I believe we have an identity crisis that is of massive proportions. I was watching the news earlier and you know how they put like 5 or 6 faces on the screen, usually half with one political view and half with another and then the commutator leaning one way or another depending on the news station? I sat there watching them take one subject, one event that happened and the difference in the way the sides saw it was amazing. They each had what they would call a litany of facts and rational breakdowns of why it was the way they saw it. There was absolutely no chance on earth of one convincing the other that they were right. Because I watch politics closely I could see each side using the talking points that their party was using all over the news stations. The passion and sometimes anger that they argued against each other was real. They were dug in and nothing was going to pull them out. But watching them from a calm emotional state with no deep beliefs or connections to either side but knowing the facts, I knew when something wasn't true. They would argue a lie even stronger than they would argue the truth. I had the feeling that none of these issues were even connected to the core identity of these individuals. They where like hairs that shed from something they got too close to but in any moment if it was in their interested they could wipe them off with out a second thought.